0348. still cant sleep. tengah sesedih sorang diri, teringat lah yg aku ade blog lagi rupanya. hmm dah berhabuk sangat dah ni rasanya. dah sampai masa aku lap mana patut. kemas kemas sikit. mana lah tau ade rezeki, ade org datang beraya kat sini. raya kan tak habis lagi. 

Cakap pasal raya. selamat hari raya lah semua. mohon maap atas segala kesilapan yg aku dah lakukan kat kalian semua. Tadi bila bukak facebook , masyarakat maya masih lagi bicara soal gaza. boikot dan sebagainya. Pastu tetiba tergoda mata ini pada status yg menulis tentang krisis MB di selangor. hurm. 

Bila lah nk habis bicara soal politik kat malaysia ini. pernah dulu bercita cita nk jadi YB . tapi tak tau lah kemana cita cita tu sekarang. sekarang ni cita cita aku nk kumpul duit beli tanah je dulu . nk buat rumah paling dekat yg boleh dengan rumah parent aku . usia diorng kan makin meningkat . siapa lah nk tgok2 kan kalau aku stay jauh2. 

kawin? hurm... penat dah hati ni sebenarnya. biarlah. biarlah tuhan saja yg aturkannya. mata pon dah mengantuk... rindu tu ade, tapi kene lah bersabar. aku yakin pasti ada hikmah bagi org yg bersabar. akhir kata, bahagia itu perlu ditunggu. bersabarlah hati untuk menanti. 

Sekian 

Assalamualaikum...

It's been a long week. Was trying my best to write every day but quite hard for me to keep the day. Been busy. Mahallah training at the weekend and lab session on the other days. Thanks God, my life was wonderful. Full of joy. Just sometimes still feel alone. Well, maybe it's just 'hormonal'.

Leadership. Being a leader is not an option. You can't run. You can't cheat. It's in you. Inside everyone. You need to be a good leader. You have to. Everything will be questioning at the end.

"Surely! Everyone of you is a leader and is responsible for his charges: The Imam (ruler) of the people is a leader and is responsible for his subjects; a man is the leader of his family (household) and is responsible for his subjects; a woman is the leader of her husband's home and of his children and is responsible for them; and the slave of a man is a leader of his master's property and is responsible for it. Surely, everyone of you is a leader and responsible for his charges."

Howbeit, it's not easy to be a leader. Test. There's no 'escapism' plan that you can use to skip all the training to be a leader. Not a day, a week, a month, or even a year. But it takes all your life time.

Well, even me didn't ask for all those positions or names. Cause I know it will burn me, my whole entire strength and abilities. Sometimes, it's felt like I failed to lead myself. But I can't run from it. It was a promise. That changed my life.

As a human, we can't bear to hold all those tests. And the only way to walk through that sea is to put Allah in everything. He's the one that provides all those lights, all those doors. He's the one help us to keep alive in this journey. 

Once in a while, I'm lost. I was lost. whenever I lost, me always hope there will be the light waiting for me. Still there. Help me O Allah :'(

1623

9th April

Assalamualaikum...

Today ain't the same day. Not as usual. Meet the doctor and she said nothing. Nothing to worry about. But deep inside me, feel that this could be worse. Only that I wish it's not. Was a tough day. Being ignore maybe. Still it ain't the real problem. Cause what really matter is, do people still look at me as the same person if I've changed? Someday.

Being locked inside my own room for a day makes me feel like trash. Do nothing. Feel nothing. Like I am nothing. And suddenly the answer just got into my mind, "The Nature". Getting my sport shoes, and got some air. feel alive. or at least I can forget all the problem for a while. 4 rounds. New personal record.

Somehow I wish there is "reset" button on me. Whatever happens today must be a reason. Things didn't happen for nothing. The one that can make tomorrow a better day is me. Maybe I didn't try harder. I need to try harder. Try to set things right.

2108 already, must get something to eat before throwing a capsule of Amoxycillin Trihydrate into my stomach.

2111
3rd April

"And when I am ill, it is He Who cures me"

Assalamualaikum...

Dengan lafaz bismillah, dengan nama Allah aku mulakan bicara. Melihat jarum jam berdetik, yg lepas aku rasakan telah meninggalkan aku terlalu jauh dan yg dihadapan kulihat, tapi masih jua masih tak kelihatan.

Masa berlalu begitu pantas, walaupun aku rasakan jauh tetapi hakikatnya terlalu dekat untuk digapai didasar ingatan. Sedang bermain di antara kerdipan mata. Terasa seperti semalam adalah hari pertama aku melangkah ke alam persekolahan. Berbaju baru. Cuaca pula tidak begitu bahagia. Sayu. Kadang kala mendung kadangkala hujan. Ayah menghantar aku dengan kereta proton saganya. Kekal. Masih disitu. Dalam ingatanku.

Kini, aku menulis dihadapan komputer riba yg dihadiahkan ibuku. Melihat diriku yang sudah menghampiri usia muda. Segalanya kurasa seperti begitu pantas berlalu. Sepanjang perjalanan ini, terlalu banyak keputusan yg aku lakukan. terlalu banyak penyesalan. Tapi aku tidak miliki kuasa tuhan untuk mengubahnya semula. Melihat kehadapan. Masih banyak keputusan aku akan lalui. Mengharap kesilapan lalu mampu mematangkan.

Berhati hati. Aku perlu berhati hati. Kalau tidak hati yg terpaksa disakiti lagi. Mencari jalan. Jujurnya aku masih keliru pada tujuan. Masa hadapan. Memandang ke belakang kadangkala terpaksa. Mencari momentum untuk terus kehadapan.

Azan berkumandang . terpaksa pergi meninggalkan urusan dunia ini.

2042

2nd April  

Sekian.

Assalamualaikum

Tergerak hati untuk menulis tentang salah satu peribadi yg patut ada pada orang islam dekat zaman harga barang naik ni. Ok, sebenarnya tak ada kene mengena pon dengan harga barang, tapi sifat ni sepatutnya ada pada muslim zaman sekarang ni. 

Sifat ape yg aku maksudkan tu? Sesetengah manusia suka berbuat baik, tak dapat dinafikan. Tapi ade sesetengah yg hanya buat baik bila orang dah buat baik pada mereka dulu. Mungkin dalam fikiran mereka, seseorang tu "tidak" baik, melainkan mereka dah buat sesuatu yg baik kepada diorang. 

Persoalannya, kenapa nak tunggu orang lain buat baik kat kita dulu baru kita nk balas kebaikan dia? Mulia sangat ke diri kita sampai tak boleh nk mulakan kebaikan dulu? Berbalik kepada cara rasulullah berdakwah, bila dilakukan kejahatan kepadanya, baginda membalas dengan kebaikan. 

Mungkin kita tak sampai level pemurah macam tu sekali, tapi sekurang kurangnya bila nk buat satu kebaikan tu tak perlu lah nk tunggu orang lain mula dulu. Kadang2 tu dalam LRT, nmpak orang tua masuk je, terus buat buat tido, mengharapkan orang lain untuk bg seat. 

Kesimpulan